A Mask of Pride

As a little girl I didn’t think twice about humiliating a classmate. I didn’t say unkind things to be malicious. It was an infantile attempt to build myself up. As an adult I spewed sarcasm, I am better and smarter than you are. Some say we are all born with a mask of pride and selfishness. If so, in my case something went very wrong. My mask of pride morphed into a monster mask, not easily discarded after Halloween.

Around my 17th birthday, a monster crept into my life. It started when I lost fifteen pounds. I received compliments and praise and I wanted more. A friend told me how I could eat everything I wanted, and still lose weight with self-induced vomiting (bulimia). This is so easy! Within months bulimia became my choice of weight control. I was determined to stay thin at any cost, and that included abusing substances like alcohol, cigarettes, diet pills, diuretics and laxatives.
I learned that the pride I developed as a child had a motivating effect on the development of my eating disorder. Pride was blinding – it told me that my behavior was acceptable and kept me from seeking the help I desperately needed.

Pride had a great sense of humor. I laughed all the time so that people would think I was confident. Aren’t I funny and smart! However, on the inside, pride kept me immobile, unable to break the grips and admit I needed help.

One day I met a man who invited me to church. There I faced the truth of who I was and how I dishonored the God-given gift of a healthy body. This marvelous creation was designed to be a temple of the Living God. I made a cesspool of it.
I felt the pain of acknowledging my pride and shameful behavior. In bitter confession I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I asked forgiveness for self-centered pride and desire for popularity.

I began reading the Bible, and learned all about my Father. He is good, loving and wants the very best for me. The power of God’s Word started the transformation process of renewing my spirit and mind. A desire grew in me to honor God with all I had and was. I begged God for strength to win the battle. As I prayed, I quite unexpectedly had a desire to take up art. It hit me! I don’t have the ‘urge to purge’. God heard that desperate cry and intervened. My mind shifted from being thin and beautiful to being creative and productive.

God forced me to take a good, hard look at myself, and the attributes of a prideful person.

1 – Competitive. I always felt I was in competition with other women. I took pleasure in seeing them brought down by problems and pain. The Bible says (James 3:16) that where we have envy and selfish ambition, there we will find disorder. I began to realize I was comparing the inside of me to the outside of them. I was looking at them in their ball gown, whilst standing there in my underwear. I found that if I took the time and examined them, their “inside” was just as disorderly (or more so). Then I was grateful for the blessings God had given me.

2- Controlling. I had a possessive nature. You don’t need to invite her along. This was fear and insecurity. My poor self-image, anxieties, and fears were all my own doing because I didn’t seek God’s counsel. As God began to help me with my fearfulness, my self-image began to improve, and I shed my possessive nature.

3- Exaggerated sense of self-importance. I took everything to an extreme because I needed to please everyone and gain their approval. Then I began striving for a ‘spirit of excellence’. If I have faith, God will provide the success.

4- Self-righteous. I constantly compared myself to others. I’m thinner, I’m better than you. I learned if I pass judgment on someone else, I am condemning myself because I do the same things (Romans 2:1).

God gently took off my mask of pride and revealed the person He created. He guided me to do and be things I never dreamt of. It’s good to be free!